Let’s, finally, investigate what consent is and how it looks like and how can we get it. It is pretty simple: only four components.
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Many sex problems appear because people are sure there is nothing to discuss. In lots of cases we do not give our agreement for sex.
There are four criteria of agreement:
- clear “yes”;
- active physical participation;
- partners equality;
- ability to cancel.
1. Agreement is a clear, confident “yes”
We are talking now about the situation where two people only begin having sex with each other.
So the most spread error is: we think that our partner gave an automatical “yes” answer if we did not hear “no”. “Silent gives consent” – a popular proverb says.
For many people “no”, “don’t do it” and “stop, please” answers are not only from the sphere of objectionable sex, but also the signal about something happens beyond all the limits. Many of us are truly afraid of such words, but their absence does not mean that everyone is crazy about any possibility of sex.
Axiom ? 1
Silence and absence of “no” ? “yes”.
|How consent can sound||How to ask about sex||Do not ask in such a way|
|Yes, of course||Do you want me?||Come on, do not behave like this|
|Oh, yes!||Should I continue?||Do not be a party-pooper,you will like it|
|Continue, please||What are you ready for today?||But I want so much…..|
|Mmm, with pleasure||Are you feeling good?||Come on, you have told me that you like sex|
|I want you really much, take off your clothes||You seem tense, are you OK?||We have already had sex, haven’t we?|
Look attentively at these columns and at the last one, especially. I am not trying to scary you, but you need to understand that a person who wants to have sex with you will say a clear and enthusiastic “yes”. And if he or she doesn’t say this or is unsure about the stuff, he/she doesn’t want you.
Well, all right.
If you want…
These phrases compared with a clear “yes” are like a real picture painted by a famous artist and its cheap analogue.
2. Consent is not only words but actions, as well
Most often this situation comes to the surface when one or two participants take alcohol or drugs in excess. If your girlfriend cannot stir after extreme dosage of alcohol, what sex are we talking about?
Some alcohol is normal (many people cannot imagine their sex without alcohol)
Axiom ? 2
Sex is not something that happens with you, like weather, for instance. This is process involving both, a man and a woman.
One of you can be more active (it is OK), but if your girlfriend is a cold fish in bed, there may be two possible variants: either she is drunken or she does not want to be here.
3. Agreement is possible only between equal partners
Consent becomes complicated (or impossible) when one of the partners possesses another one completely. This is, for example, a teacher and a pupil, a boss and a worker, an adult and a child, a doctor and a patient, a star and a fan, etc.
If you offer sex a person who is your subordinate, consider that your “offer” will most often sound like an order for that person.
We recommend: do not handicap people.
4. Agreement can be cancelled
We are not robots and we do not act accordingly to some clearly written algorithm. “Wanted and then lost all desire” – an absolutely ordinary human behaviour.
Axiom ? 3
We cannot receive somebody’s consent once and forever.
Axiom ? 4
Nothing guarantees sex.
Event flirt. Even if you both are already naked. Even marital duty.
Assenting to sex with the other person, you say: “Yes, I want to have sex with you now” rather than “Yes, I will have sex with you as you want, and this sex will be lead through thick and thin to the point you need”.
The last phrase reminds me slavery or a result of a successful blackmail, don’t you think so?